An American expat's view on how to fit in, or stand out less, in Maximum City
In Mumbai, being a "firang," as foreigners are called, can be exhausting: from the traffic and pollution to heat and the rains.
Firangis stand out worse than Aamir Khan's eyeballs, making us targets for unwanted attention.
But still, after twenty months, I've succeeded in making this grimy city my home.
Here are some lessons I've learned on how to fit in, even if I can't blend in.
1. Eat off the street
Chaat -- the Mumbai street food staple.
One of my Dutch ex-flatmates even brushed her teeth with bottled water (I couldn't believe it either). This is rubbish.
I recommend the street food, especially sev puri, pani puri, and the toasted "veg sandwich" topped with chutney, ketchup and sev. Extra caution when consuming street food during monsoon is advisable.
During Ramzan, the Muslim cooking on Mohammad Ali Road is incredible, unless you're vegetarian.
The ubiquitous roadside sugarcane juice that's squeezed in front of you is like an IV of pure energy.
2. Wear what you usually wear
I don't find it necessary to wear Indian clothes to fit in anywhere except weddings, although I am a fan of the Nehru collar on the kurta, and the lungi for lounging at home, especially in the heat.
Mumbai has enough diversity to bear any fashion tastes, as long as they respect social boundaries for skin exposure.
Note, though, that Mumbaikars seem to equate cold air-conditioning with high status: so movie halls, restaurants and bars and offices usually keep the setting at 17 or 18 degrees Celcius.
3. Ride the local trains
Super dense crush load on the evening local train in Thane.
In a city where the traffic can give you nightmares, knowing the trains, and especially the times of day when they will be empty, has saved me many a headache and a lot of money.
A general class monthly pass will cost Rs 100, first class Rs 500, roughly.
Nothing has earned me more respect among locals, either.
4. Give up the map
Early on in Mumbai I had a traumatic experience with directions: late for a meeting on the other side of the city, I approached a group of taxi drivers and produced a map of my destination.
I watched them studying the map for a minute before I noticed it was upside down. None of them could read.
After I ditched the map, one of them happily took my fare and helped me reach my destination, on time, by stopping every 500 meters to ask for help.
This system can be summarized as follows -- know the major landmark near your destination, and triangulate directions to that landmark with the help of locals.
5. Branch out
The Salman Khan blockbuster "Dabanng" at a local Bandra theater, versus a multiplex cinema.
The saying explains why, with just a little effort to branch out of the expat circle, I have been rewarded with invitations from a home-cooked Gujarati dinner in Bhandup to a family Diwali celebration in Chennai to a private DJ battle in Film City.
Tempting and fun as it can be to revel in the comfort of sameness, also known as "expat night" at a club with a one-syllable name, branching out is always more memorable and usually more fun.
A few fail-safe strategies to get started in Mumbai are food and Bollywood.
A group outing can involve catching the latest Shahrukh Khan, Aamir Khan or Salman Khan flick. I ask for occasional translations, but it helps to pick a film with an obvious plot.
Or, do a culinary tour of one of Bombay's Khau Gullies, or street food alleyways, and share one of everything.
6. Learn where to shop
As an expat on a budget, I've often struggled to find what I want in Mumbai, for a decent price, tortured between the convenience of the overpriced premium options and the jungle-like mess of all the others.
I've learned to abandon the American concepts of "one-stop-shop" and "do-it-yourself" and instead have adopted the twin rules of "ask a local friend where to get it" and "don't leave the house until I know."
Rumor has it that Ebay.in is gaining traction and is useful especially for electronic accessories and even DIY, though prices are a little volatile.
7. Know when and how to bargain
It's a myth that everyone cheats foreigners in India.
Mumbai vendors are among the straightest in the country, with shopping treasures like Crawford Market, where prices are often fixed and always low.
However, as an expat (i.e. not a tourist), I am usually aware when I am likely to receive a tourist price, e.g. if I am standing next to a five-star hotel, an international heritage site, or a caged tiger.
If suspicious, I ask another customer or a bystander for the price. If I know the price, then I don't bargain. I repeat my price and I'm always prepared to walk away.
And, try to keep morality and emotion out of the picture; business is business in Mumbai.
8. Don't romanticize the poverty
Should the real-life set of "Slumdog Millionaire" become a tourist attraction?
As a conspicuously non-Indian person with almost no local language skills, I've never felt unsafe in Dharavi or any other Mumbai neighborhood.
It's rare that anyone would spare me a wayward glance, outside of a couple of bored children (be careful, snickering children can hurt the ego!).
However, if you want to familiarize yourself with the less affluent parts of Mumbai, you'll be fine with a hat and a water bottle, and a few rupees to buy a sugarcane juice along the way.
If you're worried about being mugged, I find the best thing to do is to stop worrying.
9. Embrace yoga, Hindi and the head-shake
Try yoga. The Iyengar school of yoga was born nearby. Learn a bit of Hindi. I've learned enough to delight a few police officers when it counted. Get over the staring. Everyone stares at everyone, not only at foreigners.
And most importantly, wag your head. I enjoy head-wagging with abandon, not only to convey the boring Western meaning of "yes" but also (with facial expression adjustments) to indicate "no", and "maybe", and to show pleasure, understanding, and even sympathy.
10. An effective face wash
When you get home try wiping your face with a damp cloth. You'll see, literally, why a high-quality face wash is a big winner in Mumbai.
The idea that this city is a "grimy gem" isn't entirely metaphorical, and your skin may react in unwanted ways.
11. Monsoon-proof your life
Create a whole new fashion style.
I found that investing in a few pairs of monsoon-worthy sandals, shoes and a champion umbrella was a great start, and having a couple of extras to leave at the office was good insurance against my faulty memory.
Also, moisture absorbing packets for the bedroom and talcum powder for the body are very useful.
Unfortunately the last, critical strategy is to grin and bear the muck.
12. Leave Mumbai now and then
Even the most hardcore Mumbai expatriate ought to leave the city now and then.
For one, I find it necessary in order to recuperate and detoxify.
More importantly, India has enough to offer, from the Himalayas to the lush, hospitable South, both directions have provided me the necessary reinvigoration to plunge back into the Mumbai haze.
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